my heart

Kasih sayang itu anugerah Ilahi

2012-01-31T03:04:00.000-08:00

Aku sentiasa berdoa semoga ko bahagia dan mampu memberi kebaikan kepada semua orang dsekelilingmu. N I meant it.

It is time to be selfless. For love is Allah's greatest gift. For her to be needed your love more than me.

N I always love you.

N I pray for your friend to get well soon. :)

Dreams do come true

2012-01-27T06:09:00.000-08:00

Feel you so near when you actually are far away

As I close my eyes

I can feel you so vividly

Your stare

Your smile

Your scent

The eruption

The deepest longing

Feels like there is just you and me and nothing else

I really miss you.

Woke up quite late as usual. It's still holiday afterall. Went to get my car tinted and after that was nothing else but routine. Chit-chatted with my sis, shower, dinner and then TV series. What a day. When honestly the whole day has been filled with missing you.

Sometimes it got me thinking, why is this one dream always so far-fetch? I thank Allah for all other dreams those have came true. Really. I'm at my most grateful. But why hasn't this one (I use hasn't instead of not because I do believe it would come true as well in time). Maybe, there are other things that I should experience first to be able to appreciate this utmost one. For only Allah knows.

Honestly, you gave me happiness and you have been giving me pain. And that is fine by far. Because by that, I have learned and grown so much. It's absurd but you somehow have made the best of me. Despite your harsh words and your brutality on me I do have faith in your love for me. For that, I will wait for you for so long it takes. For only Allah is The Best Planner.

p/s: I love you too much or I just don't know how to fall out of love with you yet. So for now, I'm just going to continue loving you unconditionally because love is Allah's greatest gift. :)

Malam jumaat tiba lagi...

2012-01-26T08:00:00.001-08:00

dan marilah kita beramai-ramai membaca Surah Yasin, semoga ketenangan hati milik bersama.

Yasin pertama; ku hadiahkan kepada arwah bapaku. Semoga diampunkan segala dosanya dan disejahterakan kehidupan alam barzakhnya.

Yasin kedua; ku hadiahkan kepada hafiz. Semoga hatinya sentiasa tenang dan ceria, dijauhi daripada perkara-perkara yang tidak diingini, rezekinya dimurahkan, keselamatannya dilindungi, kebahagiannya dikelilingi dan semoga dia mampu memberi kebaikan kepada semua orang disekelilingnya.

Yasin ketiga; ku mohon kepadamu Ya Allah, untuk kasih sayang yang pernah mekar dan untuk semua perkara yang tidak diingini terlerai. Andai jodoh antara kami diperkenankan redhaMu dan berkatMu ku pohon. Andai tiada jodoh antara kami, ku mohon kebahagian milik kami walaupun tidak bersama.

Amin.

Allah Itu Sweet

2012-01-23T21:24:00.000-08:00

I had a bad day of the same old pain so a dear friend of mine sent me a link to this one article; Allah Itu Sweet, and it has made me realized how my life has been blessed yet still I have more to complaint about. I am such an ungrateful, forgive me Ya Allah.

My head is still pounding from the overdose painkiller of another attempt of suicide of yesterday. Gosh, when I have been showered with graces still I make a fool out of myself over a silly matter. I am a fool.

Ya Allah...

For I am weak, and You give strength through friends. Friends who always listen, give advises, make me laugh, remind me of the things I tend to forget and more. Still I have more to complaint about?

Yes my mother is hard to deal with. But aren't all mother like that. They're doing their best. Protecting their child. And yes she's been giving me hardship according to me and I was never even nice to her. Yet, she still at my side doing her best at supporting me. Still I have more to complaint about?

Siblings are hard and they are good at making me feel bad. Yet, when I feel like using his laptop by simply say I wanna use it and take it without waiting for any approval or some sort, and all he said to me "the password is -----", with a smile on his face. Still I have more to complaint about?

I wish for a car and He gave too soon, the second month of my first job. And camera too. Still I have more to complaint about?

I have grandfather who misses me when I'm away and he literally said it in front of everyone else and it is the sweetest thing. Still I have more to complaint about?

I have a brother who whenever knows that I'm not in the good mood, he would so willingly do anything to make me feel good, including lend me his thigh for a punching bag and he smile and wave like a child to me before leaving home for school just to make me smile. Still I have more to complaint about?

A cousin who always there whenever I feel like bursting my heart out.

I asked for another guy who has the same character as his, and He gave me one. Still I have more to complaint about.

I am ungrateful.

And so stupidly of wanting to end my life over him?? Like, all he ever gave me is pain.

And my head is still pounding. Damn hurt.

I should have loved Allah more.

"Wanita yang suka melayan ramai lelaki tidak sesuai dijadikan isteri" Ustaz Azhar Idrus

2012-01-15T21:23:00.000-08:00

Simpan dalam hati. Moga-moga niat mu menjadi yang lebih terbaik akan terlaksana. Amin.

Thank You Ya Allah

2012-01-12T15:07:00.000-08:00

For another morning to wake up to

For another sunny breeze to warm up with

For another chance to pray for the wonderful life You’ve given me

For another day to give goodness to others

For another cheering moments to share with loved ones

For another pace for only You knows I may live the life I’ve dreamed of

For another second to be grateful

I miss you so bad so I’d smsed you saying I love you so much. Not hoping for anything in return. It is just me expressing my deepest feelings towards you. And then I pray to Allah for another chance that we may have another life as together to fulfill all our promises, dreams, desires, for the love our hearts share.

Sun will always rise bha kan…?

Ya Allah, warm my heart with strength I beg of You. Amin.

My Serenity Prayer

2012-01-11T01:28:00.000-08:00

My Dear God Ya Allah,

I have sought and found strength in You, Ya Allah. For I have sinned and I do not deserve it, still I beg of You to never leave me alone unguided for I am weak and vulnerable for I can never get through this life by myself. For I have known that and still I would make the same mistakes again and again. Still I beg of You, have compassion for me Ya Allah. Amin.

My dear love, Nur Mohamad Hafiz Nusarah,

I love you so much still. And I miss you and us everyday.

Friends and Friendship

2012-01-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

So many people have come into and left out from my life. Traced memories and scars for me to live by. Acquaintances, friends and for some I wish we were never got this bad, unfriended. Well, that is just the colour of life.

Here I share few of kinds of friends and friendship I have and had...

1) We talk and share a lot even though we are never the perfect match for hanging-out. Her words are always there to lift me up when I'm down and I do my best the same to her. So many things happen and sometimes we do argue, however I'm glad that we could manage it maturely. We are heading towards our own dreams separately yet we still have each other when there are things to share.

p/s: I wish for you to have found what you are really looking for soon.

2) I seek strength in you and I know that you are the same with me. Comforting each other with words of wisdom, quotes of the day, phrases from here and there, although all these are done now through smses, emails and sometimes phone calls. Chatting with you in the past till the moon at the opposite position from the moment we firstly sat with smoothie still freezing cold and sweet. I miss those moments. Really. Now that we don't have it anymore.

p/s: Be strong and I will too. We still have Allah afterall.

3) We used to hang out, make jokes and laugh, do what girls do and venture life in hence to creating lovely memories to remember by as we grow older. I'm always the sensitive one and you girls always make me feel like it is not a bad thing just to be myself. And you girls with your attitudes and I don't feel bad at all letting you girls just to be yourselves. Although, there are times I distanced myself for wanting more space to myself and when I'm done I know it is always OK to get back into the group as you are always accepting me. I miss the weekend when we woke up to girls talks, shower, dress up and then rule the world and then make more memories. Yeah, I miss that a lot. And I'm looking forward to hang out with you girls again.

p/s: You make my study life easier to go through. Thank you.

4) You are always there when I feel like throwing my heart out. Again and again the same story is repeated, still you are there to pick up the phone and comfort me again and again. I'm blessed to have friends like you for you have been making my life less painful to go through.

p/s: Thank you for always picking my calls and listen to whatever I'm babbling about. I wish for happiness to swirl all around you.

5) Last but not least, all my other friends whom I know I can always contact you guys whenever the time and reason are right and you are always there as we are never that far away.

For now, that is that. I just want to remember the good ones and try my hard to forget the bad ones. And here I wish to all my friends a lovely days ahead. :D

Time flies and that is that

2011-12-20T18:32:00.000-08:00

Another year come and go
And nothing has changed that much though

Only another memories to remember by
Another crying and screaming episodes to prove myself that I'm strong enough to have got by
Another wishes have fulfilled
Another dreams so perfectly have been crushed flat

So I have learned
Life is like a long drive
With family is the vehicle
Friends is the stereo
Obstacles is the bumps on the road
The opportunities life has to offer is the stopping-by points
And the purpose of life is the destination

Each of us are the driver of our own life
Has to make decisions of where to go, which road to take, how fast to move or how soon to reach our destination
Has to be prepared of whatever comes next
Has to be responsible of each action taken
Has to realize that the long drive can end at any point either due to out of fuel or collision
For the destination to have reached or yet

And that is just life

Let me be alone

2011-07-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is painful

Although not as painful as wanting you n be not wanted back

I love you still

I just need to love myself more..

Missing

2011-05-14T04:17:00.000-07:00

Why all of sudden do I feel like all my memories are no longer mine?

As if all these years I''v been living in someone else body

That I'd been only watching those episodes

Never was part of if

Why

Fight

2011-05-14T04:12:00.000-07:00

I fight n I fight n I fight

Not knowing when is the end to this fight

Not even certain the result to this fight

Simply fight

N I hope

With each fight I hope

For this war to finally over

N not even certain to how is it exactly that describes as over.

Scared

2011-03-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'm scared

Really am scared

Am I strong enough to face those aches

The memories n the hopes

Will I break down like those days before

Torn to pieces till I barely alive

Promise I'll get by...

Lost

2011-03-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

To continue loving you even when you don't love me back

I don't mind it

But to hang hope upon you when you don't even care

Even after years trying to make you see my true feelings for you

N again n again you just don't see it

It kills me

Still

I'm trapped in between wish n reality

Standing numb cold

Uncertain of many things

N fear is my only friend

Please...

Everyday

2011-03-17T02:08:00.000-07:00

Everyday of my life I miss you

Everyday of my life I wait for you

Close

2011-03-15T02:07:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when I sit all alone

I can feel you right next to me

N as I rest my head on your chest

The feeling is all I need

How I wish

I could freeze that moment for a little longer...

Trust

2011-03-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

I love you still, always till the end of time. But I guess, it's time to be true...I just don't trust you anymore.

I used to have lots of words to write. Now, I'm simply ran out....unsure what caused it....I wish I could write a meaningful line about anything that really can touch one heart...or at least just a line that really personify perfectly what's really in my heart now...simply ran out of words....

Stand

2011-03-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Just because I don't believe it never mean I oppose it.

Just sometimes we simply meant to do the sacrifice.

Rindu

2011-03-09T05:39:00.000-08:00

Tuhan, ku rindu dia...

p/s: napa masih ada rindu bila hati sudah hancur disakiti?

Terlalu

2011-03-07T04:56:00.001-08:00

Sungguh ku tidak matang

Ku cuma terlalu mencintai mu

Maafkan ku

Kerna terlalu menginginkan mu

Yakin

2011-03-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

Ku tak pernah minta apa-apa pun dari mu. Ku tak pernah minta kau janji apa-apa pun padaku. Sebab ku percaya, kau mahu dan akan menjadi yang terbaik untukku. Ku yakin kau adalah yang terbaik untukku.

Addiction

2011-02-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

It is just an addiction that I really need to quit!

Another dreams after another dreams. Another revelations upon another revelations. The longing. The bleeding. They all come down to that one definite uncertainty.

It hurts. But I'll get by.

Janji

2011-02-11T02:53:00.000-08:00

Ku tidak pernah berjanji untuk sentiasa kuat. Tapi ku sentiasa pegang janji ku untuk berusaha menjadi yang lebih baik.

Jodoh

2011-02-09T14:52:00.000-08:00

Salah satu daripada 77 cabang-cabang iman ialah 'mengeluarkan segala jenis cinta keduniaan dari hati, termasuk cinta harta dan pangkat' dan petikan daripada surah An-Nisaa iaitu 'perempuan-perempuan yang baik hanyalah untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik'.

Aku mau berusaha menjadi perempuan yang baik, isteri yang solehah dan ibu yang mithali. Semoga Allah mempertemukan jodohku dengan lelaki yang budiman, suami yang soleh dan bapa yang mithali. Dan semoga kehidupan yang seterusnya diredhai Allah. Amin. Gambatte! hehehehe I'll get there...

p/s: Ini tidak bermakna kasih sayang ku padamu telah ku lenyapkan. Ku cuma berhenti mengejar dan mengharap cintamu demi cinta Ilahi yang Maha Agung.

Berhenti

2011-02-08T23:56:00.000-08:00

Ku sayang ko sangat2

Dan telah ku katakan berkali2

Tapi rasanya sudah sampai saat

Untuk aku berhenti mementingkan diri

Kejarlah impian mu

Dan usahakanlah keinginan hati mu

Ku doakan kebahagian milik mu

Kerna hanya itu bahagia bagi ku

Ku akan tetap disini untuk mu...

losing

2011-02-08T04:54:00.000-08:00

I've lost my weight tremendously

As well as my energy n spirit

N now I'm losing my hair

All these since I've stopped losing my tears

Promise me, I will never lose my heart.

Nights like these...

2011-02-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

I miss my life back in uni...

sign in to local intranet p2p - randomly choose any presumedly good movie - start download - go down to cafe to have dinner n buy junk food - back to room to find the movie is downloaded - prepare to watch as if prepare to sit an exam - pyjama set! junk food set! - light off - watch intensely - cry n laugh n at the end knowing that I'm contented for then. :)

hohoho...let's do it again :D

p/s: n always better when have friends to watch with :)

Inquisitions

2011-02-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

I fight n I fight n I fight hard

Unsure of which I am fighting for

Our love

Or simply the selfish heart of mine?

But they say

True love never dies

It will always find its way back

Should I just wait or continue to fight?

As I contemplate that you're giving a chance

For this love to blossom once again

Have you waited n came to me

Or was it just another delusions of mine?

Why I feel like giving up when I feel that I'm so near

To get what I've been fighting for all these time

All of sudden the guilt got me smeared

Or is this just another silly self-destructing thoughts of mine?

N now I pray n I pray n I pray real hard

Ya Allah, heal me from the pain that I've been carrying

N lead me to the best of my life

For You're the Most Powerful n All-Known

An-Nisaa:19

2011-02-04T23:22:00.000-08:00

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman, tidak halal bagi kamu mewarisi perempuan-perempuan dengan jalan paksaan, dan janganlah kamu menyakiti mereka (dengan menahan dan menyusahkan mereka) kerana kamu hendak mengambil balik sebahagian dari apa yang kamu telah berikan kepadanya, kecuali (apabila) mereka melakukan perbuatan keji yang nyata. Dan bergaulah kamu dengan mereka (isteri-isteri kamu itu) dengan cara yang baik. Kemudian jika kamu (merasai) benci kepada mereka (disebabkan tingkah-lakunya, janganlah kamu terburu-buru menceraikannya), kerana boleh jadi kamu bencikan sesuatu, sedang Allah hendak menjadikan pada apa yang kamu benci itu kebaikan yang banyak (untuk kamu)."

p/s: Never jump straight to conclusion when you are uncertain of many things n especially never let the anger or hatred to make the decision for you. As you may never know the beauty of each Allah's test. Let's improve ourselves. :)

leaving

2011-02-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

The strange dream again. Just like the one I had with B. Not exactly, but the overall story is about the same..'he was waiting for me n I let myself caught in unnecessary (probably) things then to find he wasn't there anymore..'

....I hate this feelings.

One thing for sure, I don't believe in dreams after Subuh. So, could this be just one of my silly daylight dreams? I wish. Yeas..this is just one of my silly daylight dreams. Please, Ya Allah. :)

p/s: he is still at sea. his phone is off possibly due to ran-out battery. Ya Allah, I pray of You for his safety n well being. Amin.

uncertainty

2011-02-04T19:21:00.000-08:00

...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.........

..........

for certainty is His

..........

.........

........

.......

......

.....

....

...

Cinta itu indah!

2011-02-03T07:26:00.001-08:00

It's a wonderful feelings I'm having n I can feel that my jaws are sored for smiling too wide for too long...:D

The presence of you which I've missed so much...I can feel it now! Gosh..! Definitely, I'm in so much love with you. :D Go away go away pain...let my heart filled with joys n love! :D

I smsed you to remind you to be very careful at being at sea in this such weather. Plus it's friday night. I was damn worried about you. Then you posted on your wall informing that you are still on land n would be at sea by tomorrow. Thank you! I am relieved now. :) N semoga kejayaan milikmu. Amin. :D

Yuèliang Dàibiǎo Wǒ de Xīn (The Moon Represents My Heart)

2011-01-31T22:01:00.000-08:00

I love this classic mandarin love song. :)

nǐ wèn wǒ ài nǐ yǒu duō shēn (You ask how deeply I love you)

wǒ ài nǐ yǒu jǐ fēn (and just how great my love is)

wǒ de qíng yě zhēn (My affection is real)

wǒ de ài yě zhēn (and my love is true)

yuèliang dàibiǎo wǒ de xīn (The moon represents my heart)

nǐ wèn wǒ ài nǐ yǒu duō shēn (You ask how deeply I love you)

wǒ ài nǐ yǒu jǐ fēn (and just how great my love is)

wǒ de qíng bùyí (My affection does not waver)

wǒ de ài bùbiàn (and my love doesn’t change)

yuèliang dàibiǎo wǒ de xīn (The moon represents my heart)

qīngqīng de yīgè wěn (So soft was the kiss)

yǐjīng dǎdòng wǒ de xīn (that has moved my heart)

shēnshēn de yīduàn qíng (Such a deep affection)

jiào wǒ sīniàn dào rújīn (makes me long for you now)

nǐ wèn wǒ ài nǐ yǒu duō shēn (You ask how deeply I love you)

wǒ ài nǐ yǒu jǐ fēn (and just how great my love is)

nǐ qù xiǎng yī xiǎng (Consider this)

nǐ qù kàn yī kàn (and look above)

yuèliang dàibiǎo wǒ de xīn (The moon represents my heart)

Cinta itu indah!

2011-01-31T19:23:00.000-08:00

"Arh...tdk sbr mau cuti...tdk sbr mau p fishing...tdk sbr mau tarik ikan monster...tdk sbr mau mkan ikan segar." ♥ cinta ♥

N for some reason I feel so lighten up! :D Yeah, because when you are happy I am more happy!

Have fun!

p/s: tp bestnya kan kalau dapat join...? :D

Land

2011-01-31T15:49:00.000-08:00

I will soar higher than the wind

Even with these broken wings

One day I will soar higher than the wind

Leaving this ground of pain

Towards the land of my dream

New name!

2011-01-31T02:13:00.000-08:00

So I found out the meaning of osyim which is as equal to as oshi which means push, pressure, authority and audacity. N so I thought, the meaning is so hard n that makes me hard n you know the saying "the harder you get yourself at the more broken you would be..." or something close to that....n so I thought...I need a new name.

N I decided to use syima from now on. Syima means island. N I want to be just like Sipadan Island...the tremendous spectacular beauty that nothing could challenge. Once you'd been there, you would never forget the experience n always want to go back there.

So..from now on, call me syima. K. :D

Pasti

2011-01-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

"diaorang tu sekadar perempuan-perempuan cantik, tapi kau adalah isteriku.."

Uncertainty does kill.

Fear makes everything worst.

Pain shuts me to the ground.

Hopes n dreams keep me alive.

With these broken wings...will I ever soar higher than the wind?

...again...

Uncertainty does kill.

Fear makes everything worst.

Pain shuts me to the ground.

Hopes n dreams keep me alive.

For oneday....one day!

Kenangan terindah

2011-01-30T00:21:00.000-08:00

Glancing way back to the moments when everything was so perfect and magical. The moments when we were fearless and as if the world was ours. The moments of you n me. But my biggest mistake had torn everything apart. Crushed every of you n me. My biggest mistake was too scared to live life the fullest...n still is.

Gosh! It felt like it was in me all along and had waited too long to get to the surface of me. I didn't realize I was that much in love with you until I'd almost brought myself to kiss you. N yeah, I held back. N yeah, I regretted it every single day till now. N everything else that took place after that, I regretted it simply because it was purely out of denying my true feelings for you n refusing to believe that dream could actually come true.

Why did I ever become her?

...

N now, as the season of wet is taking over n everything around is so cold and damp n I'm missing us so bad, would the heavy n thick blanket hide me from all the pain that caused by me n let me feel me nothing even just for a while...? So I pray, n I pray real hard...Ya Allah, please heal me from the pain I've carrying for so long. Ya Allah, please grant me the life of my dream. Amin.

Anugerah

2011-01-29T23:42:00.000-08:00

Mencintai seseorang seikhlas hati adalah anugerah. Dan mencintai seseorang seikhlas hati tanpa dicintai kembali adalah anugerah yang terhebat.

Sehingga ke saat ku mampu menebarkan sayap kembali

Terbang tinggi meninggalkan kenangan terindah

Menuju kebahagian yang hakiki

MilikNya

2011-01-28T20:44:00.000-08:00

Andai cinta itu pernah ikhlas

Andai kasih itu pernah tulus

Biarkanlah ketentuannya milik Yang Maha Esa

Sesungguhnya hanya Dia Yang Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk hamba-hambaNya...

Pertanyaan hati

2011-01-28T06:44:00.000-08:00

Andai ku bentangkan seluruh isi hati ini padamu

Mahukah kau percaya

Yang ia cuma ada wajah-wajah mu pada setiap sudutnya?

Andai ku tatapkan setiap coretan hati ini padamu

Mahukah kau akui

Yang ia cuma ada nama mu pada setiap ruangnya?

Telahku bentangkan seluruh hati ini padamu

Mengapakah kau enggan percaya

Yang ia cuma ada wajah-wajah mu pada setiap sudutnya?

Telahku tatapkan setiap coretan hati ini padamu

Mengapakah kau enggan akui

Yang ia cuma ada nama mu pada setiap ruangnya?

Hati ini menanggung penderitaan yang perit

Hanya menginginkan dirimu sentiasa ada di sisi

Sungguh hati ini lelah menanggung penderitaan yang perit

Mengapakah kau masih tiada sentiasa ada di sisi?

Sepi

2011-01-28T01:45:00.000-08:00

Andai matahari mampu ku miliki

Andai bulan dan bintang-bintang mampu ku takluki

Takkan pernah ku biarkan hati ku jadi begini

Merintih meraung tiada yang peduli

Namun ku sedar akan hakikat diri

Tersisih dipinggiran dipandang pun tiada yang sudi

Apatah lagi untuk dirindui dan dicintai

Maka biarkanlah ia hanyut membawa diri ke dasar lautan nan sepi

Wash me away...

2011-01-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

Under the pouring rain there I lay

Damn drenched damn cold hell I give a damn

Still under the pouring rain there I lay

For God knows why hell anyone gives a damn

p/s: I guess all I'm trying to say is....I misssss you...

You n Me

2011-01-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I miss having you call for me without actually hearing you call for me. Though it freaked me out every time. But to think of it now, I think it's kinda sweet...

I miss exchanging thoughts n feelings with you without having it said out or written clearly anywhere...understand well each other as if we'd known each other for years despite the truth, we barely speak to each other. The little thing that we used to have...that bonded you n me. I miss it...

There was one time you n me n some friends noticing a thing then all of sudden only you n me laugh n leave the other friends at blur...remember? Then you said it out what actually made you laugh just to make sure it is the same thing that made me laugh. N it was really funny.

God, that was the sweetest thing I could ever get. Though it was scary. But it was sweet.

I know I'd been brutal with you, cruel to you and ignoring you for those years...but I guess there are just a better plan for each of us. Even though now we are heading in a opposite direction...still part of me, n probably part of you too, is missing that little scary sweet thing. Do you?